The Ultimate Bagel Ranking: A Comedic Take on Bagel Choices
When it comes to bagels, the choices can be as diverse and colorful as the people who enjoy them. Each variety has its own personality, and we all know that picking the right bagel can set the tone for your entire meal. Heres a humorous ranking of the different types of bagels, highlighting their unique traits and the personalities of those who might choose them.
1. PUMPERNICKEL: Often regarded as the king of bagels, pumpernickel offers a robust flavor that harmonizes beautifully with the creamy richness of cream cheese and the savory taste of lox. If you prefer whitefish instead of lox, thats perfectly acceptable! This bagels strong yet not overpowering profile allows it to dance delightfully with other flavors.
2. PLAIN: While it may lack the boldness of pumpernickel, the plain bagel is a classic choice. It is more subdued, allowing the flavors of its toppings, especially lox, to shine. Some might even say it has a touch of kinkiness due to its willingness to play a supporting role.
3. POPPY-SEED/SESAME: A solid alternative for those times when the plain bagel is not available. These varieties add a slight crunch and flavor, making them a popular choice for many.
4. EGG: The egg bagel might feel a bit too cake-like to be considered a traditional bagel, but for many, it evokes memories of comfort. Perhaps it reminds you of the challah your grandmother lovingly offered you during your childhood, nurturing you through tough times.
5. SALT: For the truly salt-loving individuals, this is the go-to bagel. Its intense flavor profile caters to those who enjoy a savory kick.
6. ONION: If you choose the onion bagel, its clear you have a strong affinity for onions and their robust flavor. Its a bold choice that signifies a love for the stronger tastes in life.
7. GARLIC: Opting for garlic means you might need to reconsider whether a bagel is the right pick for you. This strongly flavored choice raises questions about your overall bagel preferences!
8. EVERYTHING: This bagel is for the indecisive eaters among us. If you can't choose just one topping, why not opt for all of them? Its a classic example of a chaotic decision-making process that surprisingly works.
9. BLUEBERRY: Choosing blueberry may indicate youve seen more than your fair share of lifes ups and downs. It suggests a weariness that comes from a long history filled with experiences, both good and bad. Perhaps youve lived a thousand lives already!
10. CHOCOLATE CHIP: This might lead one to wonder if you truly understand the essence of a bagel. Chocolate chips are delicious, but there are arguably better vessels for such a sweet delight. It seems this choice is less about culinary wisdom and more about youthful taste.
11. CINNAMON RAISIN: If you intentionally seek out cinnamon raisin bagels, one must question your choices. Eating raisins on purpose is a peculiar habit!
12. JALAPEO AND CHEDDAR: Describing this bagel as a bagel may be a stretch. This option often signals to the staff that youre in need of assistance, possibly even a call to law enforcement!
13. WHOLE WHEAT: For those who consume multiple bagels daily, perhaps your doctor has advised you to make the switch to whole wheat. If not, one cant help but wonder why youd sacrifice the simple pleasure of a traditional bagel for a slight health benefit.
14. MULTIGRAIN: This bagel prompts a more personal reflection. If we were lifelong friends, and you ordered a multigrain bagel during a moment of sorrow, I would instinctively punch you in the neck out of disbelief. Lifes too short to settle for a bagel that lacks personality!
Each bagel has its own story and an audience that appreciates its unique flavor. Whether you lean towards the traditional or the adventurous, theres a bagel out there that perfectly matches your taste!
